I used to think I had to bottle up my feelings....

by Christy Northup

I can’t breathe.

The walls are closing in on me.

I am worthless.

I am ugly.

How can I be loved?

I used to think that if my feelings weren’t 100% happy, I had to bottle them up to the point that I was in a panic. I used to think the day after someone I loved died, I had to be “OK”.

I would be so angry, sad, and confused, but everyone would think I was happy because of the mask I wore. I would be outrageous or shocking and say something funny to get validation. I would act like this bubbly girl that I thought I had to be. Because honestly, who could love me if I’m not happy? I mean, tears aren’t natural, right? No one can be sad, or at least - no one can be sad and show it, right? It’s normal to bottle up your feelings to the point where you are having a panic attack and feel like you’re gonna die right then and there, right?

These were all the feelings I felt every day for so many years, these were the lies Satan fed into me, but then, God put me into a community of people who made me know that it’s ok to be broken, so broken that you know that Jesus is the only One that can heal your broken heart. They helped me feel like I could share my real feelings without being shamed or judged.

I used to think I had to bottle up my feelings,

but now I know that it’s ok to be real with the people you love and be free.